Running Makes It Worse
As much as I wish I could claim freedom from the debilitating grasps of depression, especially since I often speak of how I've come so far with it's effects on me, that simply is not the case. I don't think I'm ever going to be "cured". I'll struggle my whole life. I'll have weeks, maybe someday it'll become months, and if I'm truly lucky it'll be years of happiness and peace. However, sadness, gloom, and despair will always come clawing back. I've been running from them lately. Getting angry at myself for letting them still have a grip on me. But that only makes things worse. You hear it all the time, but it really is true: running from your problems doesn't help you solve them. Instead of running, I'm going to embrace them. Yes, depression is a part of who I am. I've claimed that identification for a while know, but I haven't yet internalized it. So, that's what I'm attempting to do now. I'm going to fight back.
In order for me to do this, I need to acknowledge where they were permitted to permeate my mind. I've been depressed more heavily than normal (since being medicated, I should say) for a couple of weeks now, however, yesterday things really hit the ceiling. I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting, already a little low, when the first speaker began her talk. It was a beautiful talk on missionary work, overcoming the challenges she, and all missionaries, face in the field, and how the gospel makes you happy. The talk, itself, is not to blame, instead, the demonic (and in some ways I mean that literally) voices in my head began to circulate. Everyone else had hard missions, and they were able to finish them--what's wrong with you? You are too weak to handle trials. You aren't happy and you're living the gospel. You're broken. You aren't as good as everyone else. You don't deserve to be loved because you are worthless. And so they continued on. Tears began to fall (which is far more embarrassing in a singles ward than it ever was in my family ward, by the way). But I had Relief Society presidency meetings during Sunday School and after church, so I put on my tough face. By doing that, I was running. Those voices and thoughts were still there and I was just refusing to deal with them.
I came home from my meetings, and after talking with my roommate and taking a brief nap, became overwhelmed by these voices once more. In just a few days, it'll be six months since you tried to kill yourself, and you're still not any better. The things you've gone through in life haven't even been difficult compared to those others have had to endure, you just don't have the strength they do. There's no point for you to even try to improve because you can't. You're stuck being a failure. Don't drag other people down with you. Tears began to fall again, but once more, I had to put on that same tough face. My evening continued and I tried to not let those voices influence me. I was meeting new people I wanted desperately to impress, but I couldn't let the weight of those thoughts go. I slipped from melancholy to despair. As I rode home with a very remarkable fella, they came back. You're not lovable, remember? Don't make his life miserable by having him deal with your menial problems. You only make people miserable.
I insisted he take me home quickly and I went to sleep as soon as my body would allow. I was still running. I woke up this morning crushed by the thoughts of hopelessness. But I'm not going to run anymore. If depression is going to be a part of me, I'm not going to let it control me. I simply can't. So, here's me fighting back:
This may not seem like much, and I don't necessarily believe all these things in their entirety yet. But I'm fighting now. The longer I refute those voices, the more likely it'll become that I actually believe my arguments and those debilitating demons will rear their ugly heads less and less. Small steps in the right direction will eventually lead me down the path of peace and happiness. It'll be a process, but it'll happen. I just can't run anymore.
(Want to learn more about fighting your own voices? This talk from the Ensign really helped to inspire me. https://www.lds.org/ensign/1978/08/awake-my-soul-dealing-firmly-with-depression?lang=eng )
In order for me to do this, I need to acknowledge where they were permitted to permeate my mind. I've been depressed more heavily than normal (since being medicated, I should say) for a couple of weeks now, however, yesterday things really hit the ceiling. I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting, already a little low, when the first speaker began her talk. It was a beautiful talk on missionary work, overcoming the challenges she, and all missionaries, face in the field, and how the gospel makes you happy. The talk, itself, is not to blame, instead, the demonic (and in some ways I mean that literally) voices in my head began to circulate. Everyone else had hard missions, and they were able to finish them--what's wrong with you? You are too weak to handle trials. You aren't happy and you're living the gospel. You're broken. You aren't as good as everyone else. You don't deserve to be loved because you are worthless. And so they continued on. Tears began to fall (which is far more embarrassing in a singles ward than it ever was in my family ward, by the way). But I had Relief Society presidency meetings during Sunday School and after church, so I put on my tough face. By doing that, I was running. Those voices and thoughts were still there and I was just refusing to deal with them.
I came home from my meetings, and after talking with my roommate and taking a brief nap, became overwhelmed by these voices once more. In just a few days, it'll be six months since you tried to kill yourself, and you're still not any better. The things you've gone through in life haven't even been difficult compared to those others have had to endure, you just don't have the strength they do. There's no point for you to even try to improve because you can't. You're stuck being a failure. Don't drag other people down with you. Tears began to fall again, but once more, I had to put on that same tough face. My evening continued and I tried to not let those voices influence me. I was meeting new people I wanted desperately to impress, but I couldn't let the weight of those thoughts go. I slipped from melancholy to despair. As I rode home with a very remarkable fella, they came back. You're not lovable, remember? Don't make his life miserable by having him deal with your menial problems. You only make people miserable.
I insisted he take me home quickly and I went to sleep as soon as my body would allow. I was still running. I woke up this morning crushed by the thoughts of hopelessness. But I'm not going to run anymore. If depression is going to be a part of me, I'm not going to let it control me. I simply can't. So, here's me fighting back:
- Who cares if I didn't finish an 18 month mission? I finished my mission. I did all the Lord needed me to do. He told me He was proud of me all along the way, even though He knew I'd attempt to take my life at the end of it. And, guess what, I did some good in Ridgecrest.
- The Lord gives us what we can handle, and my trials have been hard.
- I may not be always happy, but I am happier living the gospel. The Atonement doesn't take away problems, but it has made me stronger.
- I am not worthless.
- I have come a long way from where I was six months ago. And I have a long way still to go, but I am determined to get there.
- I am not a failure. I make mistakes, but that doesn't define who I am or what I am capable of. No one is perfect.
- I don't make everyone miserable. People wouldn't stick around if I did. And I have many people who show me love, so I must be doing something to merit it.
This may not seem like much, and I don't necessarily believe all these things in their entirety yet. But I'm fighting now. The longer I refute those voices, the more likely it'll become that I actually believe my arguments and those debilitating demons will rear their ugly heads less and less. Small steps in the right direction will eventually lead me down the path of peace and happiness. It'll be a process, but it'll happen. I just can't run anymore.
(Want to learn more about fighting your own voices? This talk from the Ensign really helped to inspire me. https://www.lds.org/ensign/1978/08/awake-my-soul-dealing-firmly-with-depression?lang=eng )
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