"Love Yourself, Accept Yourself, Forgive Yourself"
Just over three years ago, I took a Sharpie and proudly declared my belief in myself, my future, and my success. A break in the clouds of perpetual self-deprecation, I envisioned myself achieving greatness. I had just gotten out of a relationship that left me incredibly low, but I was determined to not let that weigh me down. I was going to pursue happiness, and I was going to be the cause.
Now, we enter into the present. That same optimism nearly impossible to believe in. No longer are the markings I make things that will quickly vanish, but permanent reminders of the pain I've undergone emotionally. In these past years I've self-harmed in every way imaginable. I would cut to have something physical to match the emotional torment; but more painful than the physical scars were the emotional ones I continually inflict upon myself. A day does not pass in which I do not belittle myself, intensifying shame as I point out flaws I see as inherent. This process exacerbates the chemical depression, and I find myself looking for a release.
Cutting is never something I would endorse. The scars have left me embarrassed, and, at times, have caused me to miss out on memories because I cannot allow others to see them. All summer long I've passed up on activities that would expose my marred legs, anxiously waiting for colder climates. However, because of the shame, I was able to keep myself from participating in harming myself further. Nevertheless, I have slipped up again. An overwhelming amount of emotional pain needed to be released. I tried other techniques, such as drinking straight lemon juice, but it wasn't enough.
Instead of berating myself for the "relapse", I'm going to attempt something I've never been successful at: forgiveness. Does forgiveness mean I condone what I have done? Of course not. However, looking at things objectively, I realize that I was reacting to the pain. Failing to win one battle does not mean I have lost the war. Despite my actions, I still know that I will achieve greatness because I have the Savior's love and Atonement to pull me through. And even though my mind was crushed under my despondency, the Lord ensured that I could not deny His great love for me.
If the Lord still loves me perfectly, despite my imperfections, then I too, can learn to love and accept myself--scars and all. They may not be beautiful, but my scars proclaim, just as boldly, that "I will achieve".
Now, we enter into the present. That same optimism nearly impossible to believe in. No longer are the markings I make things that will quickly vanish, but permanent reminders of the pain I've undergone emotionally. In these past years I've self-harmed in every way imaginable. I would cut to have something physical to match the emotional torment; but more painful than the physical scars were the emotional ones I continually inflict upon myself. A day does not pass in which I do not belittle myself, intensifying shame as I point out flaws I see as inherent. This process exacerbates the chemical depression, and I find myself looking for a release.
Instead of berating myself for the "relapse", I'm going to attempt something I've never been successful at: forgiveness. Does forgiveness mean I condone what I have done? Of course not. However, looking at things objectively, I realize that I was reacting to the pain. Failing to win one battle does not mean I have lost the war. Despite my actions, I still know that I will achieve greatness because I have the Savior's love and Atonement to pull me through. And even though my mind was crushed under my despondency, the Lord ensured that I could not deny His great love for me.
If the Lord still loves me perfectly, despite my imperfections, then I too, can learn to love and accept myself--scars and all. They may not be beautiful, but my scars proclaim, just as boldly, that "I will achieve".
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