Suffering WILL End

As soon as we find meaning in suffering, the suffering is over.

    I'm finally at a point where I feel as if my suffering truly is over. Joy and faith have re-entered into my life boldly. Hope was once a fleeting mystery, but now promises that there is something out there, namely my Savior, with whom I can rely. 

    I must, however, clarify that just because my suffering is over, my pain is not. "Pain is caused by: ourselves, others, or circumstances, and we have little control over it. But suffering is all self-created." Pain, in mortality, cannot be avoided. "We came here into this world to partake of all the vicissitudes, to receive the lessons that we receive in mortality from or in a mortal world. And so we become subject to pain" (Joseph Fielding Smith, "Adam's Role in Bringing Us Mortality" emphasis added). Suffering, however, is a choice. It's reopening wounds over and over again. It's not allowing the past to remain distant memories. It's the inability to forgive.
    Perhaps the most intense of my sufferings was derived from my inability to forgive myself. Joseph Fielding Smith continues on to mention that along with pain, the human condition also makes us prone to sickness. That sickness extends to all forms, not just the physical, but the mental as well. For mental illnesses truly are illnesses, and I have been ailed by such illnesses for quite some time.
    When I was preparing to leave on my mission, depression was the least of my concerns. I knew that I had struggled with it for many, many years--although rather quietly--but felt confident that the Lord would take care of me and that I would be able to serve the faithful mission that I so desperately desired. Depression, however, was a beast I underestimated. Self-deprecation increased daily as I wondered what I was doing wrong as my depression worsened and the Lord seemed to get further and further away. Resentment soon filled my being. Without the humility of Joseph Smith I cried out, "O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed" (Doctrine and Covenants, 121:1-2)?
    As I suffered, replaying my "failures" over and over again in my mind, my hope disintegrated. On April 23, I attempted to take my life. An intentional drug overdose left me in the ER and the day after my discharge, I was honorably released and found myself home, 15 months sooner than anticipated. I was encouraged to keep the incident quiet and to inform people that my return home was a result of liver problems (which had been a consequence of the overdose). Hiding my actions increased my shame.
    In less than a month, I was admitted to Provo Canyon Behavioral Hospital for my own safety and care by my therapist. It was there that I learned I wasn't alone in my sufferings. Others were undergoing the same mental and physical torment I was. No one here judged me for losing hope. But while I finally felt understood, I had never felt more abandoned by God. My resentment escalated to intense bitterness. However, upon my discharge, I found that anger slowly melted away, leaving behind still acute feelings of shame. I had ultimately and completely let my Father in Heaven and my Savior down.
    It has taken me weeks, upon weeks, of 30+ hours of therapy a week to finally realize that this suffering I was feeling was entirely unnecessary. The mistakes I felt like I had made were "reactions to emotions, situations, and circumstances"--or in other words, my depression. I hadn't let my Father in Heaven or my Savior down. They perfectly understood my human condition, and the Atonement was prepared for me so that this seemingly insurmountable trial could be overcome.

    I could venture guesses as to what my suffering meant. Perhaps it was necessary so that I could empathize with my younger sister as she deals with trials far stronger than seems fair. Or, it could be so that I can be better suited to enter the field of social work. But these are nothing more than speculation. I do not have the ability to see the Lord's plan in it's entirety. Nevertheless, as I have worshipped in the temple I have found there is one meaning I can boldly declare with confidence: my suffering was so that I could gain the necessary knowledge for me to become the celestial being my Heavenly Father intends for me, which is only possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. With that understanding my suffering has ended.

    I will still deal with depression. Occasionally shame may once again raise it's debilitating head. However, I know that the Lord will be with me, because He always has been. The Atonement was made with the intent to heal the broken. We read in Alma 7:11-13,

And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the [pains] of his people...

    The Savior already, through the Spirit, knew exactly how we felt, but He wasn't content with sympathy. His sacrifice was so that we, no matter what pain we are going through, will not have to suffer. That knowledge has not only changed, but saved my life. I know that the blessings of the Atonement are not limited just to myself, but to all. The Atonement is the meaning that ends all suffering.