Can't Mask The Crazy
All of my life, I've dealt with phases of obsession. When I was younger, I loved "The Prince of Egypt". I watched that movie every day, and when I wasn't watching it, I sang the songs and sent my dolls floating down "the Nile" in an emotional production. As I grew, it changed to "Pirates of the Caribbean": I had posters, T-shirts, action figures, replicas of the Black Pearl and Davy Jones' Chest, and fell asleep every night watching the movie. I cannot say that this is abnormal for me, for it is all that I have known. I'm one of those "all or nothing" types. I've always been that way. If I like something, I love it--obsess even. The opposite is also true, no interest equals distaste. Again, I reiterate, this is how it always is: interests, the gospel, relationships--it's all the same.
I could attempt to psychologically "de-bunk" my actions--I felt alone most of my childhood and my "obsessions" brought me out of my world and into another one where I wasn't the girl who struggled to actually relate to others--but it would all only be theories. I believe I've just been blessed with a personality prone to addiction. A dangerous blessing, but a blessing nonetheless, especially when it comes to spiritual matters.
This subject has been permeating my mind lately as I've considered the origins of my longest, and most prominent, interest: Captain America. I concluded that, while it does have to do with the morals and integrity of the hero, the main cause of the posters, T-shirts, movies, socks, comic books, jewelry, masks, shields, and so on, is just due to the innate attachment programmed into my personality. Embarrassing, yes. But, I believe that it is time that I own up to it. I have a personality which is unique to me, just as we all do, therefore should not be ashamed of it. I struggle intensely to relate to people, often making relationships worse as I attempt to make everyone happy, which is an impossible feat. I love to be in front of people, I love to talk and teach, but cannot formulate conversation easily, resulting in my fear of what is known as "small talk". And, at the end of it all, I would much rather be at home, watching a movie, or laying on my couch thinking, completely alone, allowing myself to be absorbed into a world outside of me. A world where I'm forgotten, and the focus and attention, the praise and acclimation, all falls on others.
Perhaps that is a cause of my intense interests: I don't like attention. I hate it. I hate picking a restaurant to eat at or the movie to watch with a group of friends--I do not want to make them unhappy. I hate, scratch that, loathe, my birthday. The examples could continue, but would be unnecessary, for I've deviated more than intended. My infatuations provide me with an outlet to glorify a world not my own.
As I stated earlier, this is also how my relationships with others work. I have a small group of friends because, when I have a friend, I am devoted to them. I cannot relate well without attaching deeply. Again, both a blessing and a curse, but learning about it begins the process of eliminating negative consequence. Perhaps, this analysis is what I need in order to help me understand just who I am and what I must be as a missionary. At least, I hope that it will aid in improvement. I sure need it.
I could attempt to psychologically "de-bunk" my actions--I felt alone most of my childhood and my "obsessions" brought me out of my world and into another one where I wasn't the girl who struggled to actually relate to others--but it would all only be theories. I believe I've just been blessed with a personality prone to addiction. A dangerous blessing, but a blessing nonetheless, especially when it comes to spiritual matters.
This subject has been permeating my mind lately as I've considered the origins of my longest, and most prominent, interest: Captain America. I concluded that, while it does have to do with the morals and integrity of the hero, the main cause of the posters, T-shirts, movies, socks, comic books, jewelry, masks, shields, and so on, is just due to the innate attachment programmed into my personality. Embarrassing, yes. But, I believe that it is time that I own up to it. I have a personality which is unique to me, just as we all do, therefore should not be ashamed of it. I struggle intensely to relate to people, often making relationships worse as I attempt to make everyone happy, which is an impossible feat. I love to be in front of people, I love to talk and teach, but cannot formulate conversation easily, resulting in my fear of what is known as "small talk". And, at the end of it all, I would much rather be at home, watching a movie, or laying on my couch thinking, completely alone, allowing myself to be absorbed into a world outside of me. A world where I'm forgotten, and the focus and attention, the praise and acclimation, all falls on others.
Perhaps that is a cause of my intense interests: I don't like attention. I hate it. I hate picking a restaurant to eat at or the movie to watch with a group of friends--I do not want to make them unhappy. I hate, scratch that, loathe, my birthday. The examples could continue, but would be unnecessary, for I've deviated more than intended. My infatuations provide me with an outlet to glorify a world not my own.
As I stated earlier, this is also how my relationships with others work. I have a small group of friends because, when I have a friend, I am devoted to them. I cannot relate well without attaching deeply. Again, both a blessing and a curse, but learning about it begins the process of eliminating negative consequence. Perhaps, this analysis is what I need in order to help me understand just who I am and what I must be as a missionary. At least, I hope that it will aid in improvement. I sure need it.
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