I Matter, Right?

    I'm fully aware that most contention which flurishes within my relationships with others is my fault. I get that. I intently watch the world around me, the flawed one where people seem not to care about others, and I try to show others that I care about them by putting their "needs" as the priority and belittle whatever my personal feelings may be. This is a problem; we live in a very imperfect world, yet I have relationships with almost perfect people, therefore, my ideas and their personal wants generally don't match up--even if my mind is convinced that it's what they need. As you can obviously suppose, this gets me into a lot of trouble. So, while I understand most of the blame is mine, whenever I get into conflict, it isn't all mine. I don't intend to be one of those girls who complains about her life on the internet, but I'm trying to objectively describe my situation in an attempt for me to clear my head and come to deeper understanding.

    It's safe to assume you've picked up on recent contention, so I'll just give you the affirmation, and now we can move on! I'm a very logical person, perhaps too logical at times, but I generally understand how life works. I understand that if I say something stupid, apologies aren't always accepted. I understand that  people don't think the way I do, even though occasionally I believe they should. I understand there will always be consequence. These understandings don't always translate into my emotions, however. I have the worst control, and even comprehension of my emotions. Yet, even though they're sporadic, doesn't belittle their reality, for me. Just as I need to go out of my way to try to understand that other people feel differently than I do, I often wish that people would remember that the way I feel is truly an emotion that I'm suffering through at any particular time. In arguments I always see everything as my fault, when it's all said and done, however taking all the blame is beginning to diminish how I view myself: I'm never acting alone. So, while I'm capable of admitting most of the arguments are attributed to my stubborn perspectives, the entire thing isn't all my fault. I'm allowed to feel hurt, admitting that doesn't make me a bad person (no matter how long I thought that it would). Granted, when I'm in bad moods I shouldn't be talking to people--I always screw something up--but I understand now that my feelings are genuine, and it's okay to feel upset or sad when they've been hurt or ignored. I'm not perfect, I understand there's a long, LONG way for me to go before I'll be remotely close, but life is for learning, and that's exactly what I'm doing!