So What Happens Now? Where Am I Going To?
Apart from being lines of my favorite song from the musical Evita, the title perhaps alluded to you that I have been slightly more philosophical concerning my thought patterns as of late. I would like to further add the question: who am I and what do I stand for?
As I have often referenced in my posts, growing up an LDS teen in a predominantly LDS community has really been a challenge for me. I've grown up believing in the Church, I have always had at least a basic testimony of God, Jesus Christ, The Book of Mormon, and so on. However, because of where I have my roots, I haven't really had a daily struggle with representing my religion--at least that is what I thought. Today, while I was sitting in Church, a scripture that was discussed a few weeks ago in Sunday School and that a friend of mine shared on Facebook, was brought into my mind. James 1:22. "But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves." It became apparent to me that I was deceiving myself--in far more aspects of my life than I had previously believed. Slothful behaviors, lust, anger, and other such destructive habits had taken a residence within me because I was simply just being a hearer.
The ability to justify and convince myself of my "spirituality" was something I had really developed and have begun to use quite frequently. I hear teachings, commandments, principles, warnings and all other things that are constantly being drilled into you at family, ward, and seminary gatherings, I believed in their validity, yet when the time came to implement what I had believed true, I hadn't ever acted accordingly. I have discovered the intrinsic motivator for such action: I'm selfish. In my mind I fool myself with believing that I am doing things for the betterment of others, however, that is simply not the case. I don't allow my friends to make jokes and participate in conversation around me that makes me uncomfortable because I don't want to offend them, I'm afraid they will decide to stop wanting to be around me. I'm afraid of losing the few friendships I have. I put my earthly need of feeling like I belong above my Savior and His teachings. I allow myself to give into physical urges, despite the constant warnings from the Spirit, because I enjoy it. The list could continue on of things that I do that get put above my Savior, but interest would be quickly lost. I go through the motions of the gospel, without true intent of feeling the Spirit of the Lord. It's a terrible thing to admit, yet I am hoping that publishing it will allow me to really consider the consequences and will motivate me to change.
I can't pinpoint the exact origin, but throughout the past months, perhaps even years, my heart has hardened, and it's harder for me to experience the full change of heart that is necessary for conversion. I will feel the Spirit, I'll be good for a few days, but my susceptibility to the adversary often leaves me off worse than before my momentary spiritual revitalization. Logically, I see the err of my ways, but I do not have control over my heart. I don't. Claim whatever you may, but I honestly don't feel like I have control over it--it controls me. However, the beauty of the Atonement is that I can be both forgiven and strengthened through Jesus Christ. Perhaps I can't control my heart, but He can.
I have a responsibility as both a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and a Daughter of God, to teach everyone I meet about the Savior. The quote, "live your life in such a way that people will want to know Christ because they know you" has often been one of my favorites, yet not one that I have yet implemented. However, that ends now. I am committing from this point forward to do all in my control to be a "doer". I am tired of the apathetic life that comes from being a "hearer only". While I may never quite be like the Book of Mormon hero, I want to live my life like the great hero Moroni. For, "if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men" (Alma 48:17). The first key to being like Moroni is selflessness. God must come first, in all I do.
As I have often referenced in my posts, growing up an LDS teen in a predominantly LDS community has really been a challenge for me. I've grown up believing in the Church, I have always had at least a basic testimony of God, Jesus Christ, The Book of Mormon, and so on. However, because of where I have my roots, I haven't really had a daily struggle with representing my religion--at least that is what I thought. Today, while I was sitting in Church, a scripture that was discussed a few weeks ago in Sunday School and that a friend of mine shared on Facebook, was brought into my mind. James 1:22. "But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves." It became apparent to me that I was deceiving myself--in far more aspects of my life than I had previously believed. Slothful behaviors, lust, anger, and other such destructive habits had taken a residence within me because I was simply just being a hearer.
The ability to justify and convince myself of my "spirituality" was something I had really developed and have begun to use quite frequently. I hear teachings, commandments, principles, warnings and all other things that are constantly being drilled into you at family, ward, and seminary gatherings, I believed in their validity, yet when the time came to implement what I had believed true, I hadn't ever acted accordingly. I have discovered the intrinsic motivator for such action: I'm selfish. In my mind I fool myself with believing that I am doing things for the betterment of others, however, that is simply not the case. I don't allow my friends to make jokes and participate in conversation around me that makes me uncomfortable because I don't want to offend them, I'm afraid they will decide to stop wanting to be around me. I'm afraid of losing the few friendships I have. I put my earthly need of feeling like I belong above my Savior and His teachings. I allow myself to give into physical urges, despite the constant warnings from the Spirit, because I enjoy it. The list could continue on of things that I do that get put above my Savior, but interest would be quickly lost. I go through the motions of the gospel, without true intent of feeling the Spirit of the Lord. It's a terrible thing to admit, yet I am hoping that publishing it will allow me to really consider the consequences and will motivate me to change.
I can't pinpoint the exact origin, but throughout the past months, perhaps even years, my heart has hardened, and it's harder for me to experience the full change of heart that is necessary for conversion. I will feel the Spirit, I'll be good for a few days, but my susceptibility to the adversary often leaves me off worse than before my momentary spiritual revitalization. Logically, I see the err of my ways, but I do not have control over my heart. I don't. Claim whatever you may, but I honestly don't feel like I have control over it--it controls me. However, the beauty of the Atonement is that I can be both forgiven and strengthened through Jesus Christ. Perhaps I can't control my heart, but He can.
I have a responsibility as both a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and a Daughter of God, to teach everyone I meet about the Savior. The quote, "live your life in such a way that people will want to know Christ because they know you" has often been one of my favorites, yet not one that I have yet implemented. However, that ends now. I am committing from this point forward to do all in my control to be a "doer". I am tired of the apathetic life that comes from being a "hearer only". While I may never quite be like the Book of Mormon hero, I want to live my life like the great hero Moroni. For, "if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men" (Alma 48:17). The first key to being like Moroni is selflessness. God must come first, in all I do.
That is a struggle that we all go through. It is what makes life so hard at times! I know I believe - I don't doubt my faith - but when it comes right down to it...what am I going to do and who drives my choices? The big choices are usually pretty easy, but those darn small choices!!! I wish I had the magic solution for you! If you figure it out - let me know! :)
ReplyDelete