Another of my Many Flaws
Perhaps it is my self-diagnosed fear of uncertainty, or my high levels of anxiety in which I went to months of therapy, but I have always had to have an outlined plan for my future. Ever since I was seven I have had extensive, detailed outlines about just what I was going to do with my life. Whenever changes came, although rare, I would adjust accordingly (after I managed to gain control of my panic attacks, of course). And while I have found that I have greater control over my shaking and distressed breathing, getting older has caused me to realize that I have less control than I wish was possible. I simply don't know anymore.
When I went into the hospital at the age of 9 I knew that I wanted to go into medicine. Everything fascinated me. The bustling nurses, the tubes and monitors wired through me, the brown mucous in my throat, the hows and whys of me vomiting blood, to the child in the room next to me who was having venom extracted from his veins. I knew I wanted to be apart of it--I wanted to satisfy my hunger for understanding the human body. I wanted to help people the way my nurses and doctors and surgeons helped me. I wanted to make a difference doing something that I loved. However, a few months ago I felt that I had that plan ripped away from me. The constant bombardment of my young women's leaders, bishopric, and even the general presidency of the LDS church to devote my life to motherhood, seeing as it was my "divine" calling in life, pushed me to reconsider what I had envisioned for myself. I've never wanted to be a stay at home mom, my fiercely independent personality couldn't last within the typical confinements of motherhood. But maybe I shouldn't go to school for 13 years to pursue an occupation that would require me to work shifts of 72+ hours before being able to return home. So I then turned to teaching. The idea seemed fitting--I would still be able to help people, the hours would be beneficial for being home with my children at some point, and much less schooling would be required. I read through my patriarchal blessing, and while there was no explicit statement confirming my desire to teach, it seemed to fit well with my life's outline. And then my mother came to me one day and told me that, while at the temple, she felt like I had to pursue a career in American Sign Language (if I was still determined to join the National Guard). So, instinctively, I thought more upon the options and felt that it was right. Well, my fancies changed, and the National Guard was no longer for me, but I just assumed that ASL was what I needed to pursue. I did my research, planned out my college courses and where I would attend, and was fixed on the idea of being an educator for the deaf. And, that's where I was, up until a few weeks ago.
Now, I'm left hyperventilating (though I feel like I do a marvelous job of concealing my horrific and extensive amounts of off-putting traits, such as panic attacks) wondering just what I am going to do. There's a chance I may not go to the university I had planned on attending, and if that is the case, I'm left with the question: "what now?", seeing as this new university doesn't offer any ASL options as a major or minor, and has very little opportunities to major in something that will provide a fulfilling career for me.
In English we have been discussing writing our annual 3rd-term research paper, and just what we should write it on. As I've gotten older, the areas of which we are allowed to research have expanded, and now there is no limit as to what we can write our papers on. However, my teacher urged us to write it on something we are passionate about, and something we know the most about, because that will inevitably lead to a better paper. As she was explaining this concept to us, my mind wandered towards my uncharted future and just what this meant to me. If a paper would be better just by me writing on something I was interested in, wouldn't that mean that I would perform better at a job, and even in life, if I devoted myself to something that I was interested in? If that were the case, you can bet I would be devoting myself to becoming an orthopedic surgeon. I would major in something that would fascinate me, but make my priority getting my pre-med requirements finished. It would consume my life, but I would love every second of it. But, things get complicated as other people get added into the equation. If I was born and raised in the society of life outside of the LDS church, I would have no problem devoting myself to my career and then consider marriage and other such frivolities after I had settled into my practice. But, seeing as I have been told my entire life that my purpose is to get married and have children, and I happen to be a fan of the feelings which are associated with being in love, I predict that I won't want to wait until I'm 35 before I seriously consider marriage. At that point, the other person's interests become more important than your own. I can only assume that no husband (of the LDS faith) would be fully supportive of the idea of their wife devoting all of her time and attention to pursue a career in surgery, especially when they have their own career to tend to. Unfortunately, many men share in the ideals of the rest of my church, and believe that women should stay home. Even if I found myself lucky enough to find such a man to go against the grain of our society, pursuing a career in medicine would mean that I would have to put off having children until I had secured a job, and most people don't want to wait 12+ years after marriage before they begin to have children of their own. As much as I wish I could go into surgery as a profession, it simply doesn't seem like a possibility.
But then what would I do? While I love ASL, I don't love it enough to devote my entire life to it. I find the language to be absolutely stunning, and full of rich and beautiful concepts that the English language fails to encapsulate. However, it isn't a passion for me. It doesn't give me the rush that I would get as I would dissect pig fetuses in my physiology class. I don't crave to know more about whys of the language, as I find myself doing with the whys of the human body. I don't want to be confined to a desk job, or find myself hidden under mass amounts of paperwork, I simply want to be able to love what I do. However, I don't know how I will find something that I will love.
Now, most people reading this will think I'm crazy, saying that I'm only 18 and that I have a large amount of time to decide what I want to do, and that I shouldn't be so concerned about something that still wont affect me for years. However, as mentioned in the introductory paragraph, I have a serious problem with uncertainty and anxiety. Perhaps, this is all just a test from the Lord to teach me to just have faith and trust in Him--knowing in the end all things will work together for my own good. And, if that is the case, I welcome this opportunity to learn to control my anxiety; anything I can do to better myself to make me less of a nuisance to those with whom I associate, is graciously accepted. Yet, part of me just wants to set a plan and stick to it. I want to be able to devote my life to something that I love, but that is also convenient for the other people who will become integral parts of my life. I see that this post really hasn't gone anywhere beneficial to an audience, so if you have managed to make it this far, I commend you for following my attempts to sort through my thoughts. I guess what it all comes down to is this: I just want to be prepared and ready to be able to make the most out of my life. I want to be happy, I want to feel fulfilled as I lay on my death bed. To most people a career probably shouldn't be on the list of what makes for a fulfilling life, but to me it's more than that. I want to be able to spend every day of my life doing something that I really, and truly love. I want to be able to spend every day helping someone, in any way I can, and make a difference in the lives of those with whom I associate. I want to keep busy, but feel like I haven't worked a day in my life. And, while I suppose for now I will just have to put my trust in the Lord, I hope to soon be able to discover just what it is that I am destined to do with my life.
When I went into the hospital at the age of 9 I knew that I wanted to go into medicine. Everything fascinated me. The bustling nurses, the tubes and monitors wired through me, the brown mucous in my throat, the hows and whys of me vomiting blood, to the child in the room next to me who was having venom extracted from his veins. I knew I wanted to be apart of it--I wanted to satisfy my hunger for understanding the human body. I wanted to help people the way my nurses and doctors and surgeons helped me. I wanted to make a difference doing something that I loved. However, a few months ago I felt that I had that plan ripped away from me. The constant bombardment of my young women's leaders, bishopric, and even the general presidency of the LDS church to devote my life to motherhood, seeing as it was my "divine" calling in life, pushed me to reconsider what I had envisioned for myself. I've never wanted to be a stay at home mom, my fiercely independent personality couldn't last within the typical confinements of motherhood. But maybe I shouldn't go to school for 13 years to pursue an occupation that would require me to work shifts of 72+ hours before being able to return home. So I then turned to teaching. The idea seemed fitting--I would still be able to help people, the hours would be beneficial for being home with my children at some point, and much less schooling would be required. I read through my patriarchal blessing, and while there was no explicit statement confirming my desire to teach, it seemed to fit well with my life's outline. And then my mother came to me one day and told me that, while at the temple, she felt like I had to pursue a career in American Sign Language (if I was still determined to join the National Guard). So, instinctively, I thought more upon the options and felt that it was right. Well, my fancies changed, and the National Guard was no longer for me, but I just assumed that ASL was what I needed to pursue. I did my research, planned out my college courses and where I would attend, and was fixed on the idea of being an educator for the deaf. And, that's where I was, up until a few weeks ago.
Now, I'm left hyperventilating (though I feel like I do a marvelous job of concealing my horrific and extensive amounts of off-putting traits, such as panic attacks) wondering just what I am going to do. There's a chance I may not go to the university I had planned on attending, and if that is the case, I'm left with the question: "what now?", seeing as this new university doesn't offer any ASL options as a major or minor, and has very little opportunities to major in something that will provide a fulfilling career for me.
In English we have been discussing writing our annual 3rd-term research paper, and just what we should write it on. As I've gotten older, the areas of which we are allowed to research have expanded, and now there is no limit as to what we can write our papers on. However, my teacher urged us to write it on something we are passionate about, and something we know the most about, because that will inevitably lead to a better paper. As she was explaining this concept to us, my mind wandered towards my uncharted future and just what this meant to me. If a paper would be better just by me writing on something I was interested in, wouldn't that mean that I would perform better at a job, and even in life, if I devoted myself to something that I was interested in? If that were the case, you can bet I would be devoting myself to becoming an orthopedic surgeon. I would major in something that would fascinate me, but make my priority getting my pre-med requirements finished. It would consume my life, but I would love every second of it. But, things get complicated as other people get added into the equation. If I was born and raised in the society of life outside of the LDS church, I would have no problem devoting myself to my career and then consider marriage and other such frivolities after I had settled into my practice. But, seeing as I have been told my entire life that my purpose is to get married and have children, and I happen to be a fan of the feelings which are associated with being in love, I predict that I won't want to wait until I'm 35 before I seriously consider marriage. At that point, the other person's interests become more important than your own. I can only assume that no husband (of the LDS faith) would be fully supportive of the idea of their wife devoting all of her time and attention to pursue a career in surgery, especially when they have their own career to tend to. Unfortunately, many men share in the ideals of the rest of my church, and believe that women should stay home. Even if I found myself lucky enough to find such a man to go against the grain of our society, pursuing a career in medicine would mean that I would have to put off having children until I had secured a job, and most people don't want to wait 12+ years after marriage before they begin to have children of their own. As much as I wish I could go into surgery as a profession, it simply doesn't seem like a possibility.
But then what would I do? While I love ASL, I don't love it enough to devote my entire life to it. I find the language to be absolutely stunning, and full of rich and beautiful concepts that the English language fails to encapsulate. However, it isn't a passion for me. It doesn't give me the rush that I would get as I would dissect pig fetuses in my physiology class. I don't crave to know more about whys of the language, as I find myself doing with the whys of the human body. I don't want to be confined to a desk job, or find myself hidden under mass amounts of paperwork, I simply want to be able to love what I do. However, I don't know how I will find something that I will love.
Now, most people reading this will think I'm crazy, saying that I'm only 18 and that I have a large amount of time to decide what I want to do, and that I shouldn't be so concerned about something that still wont affect me for years. However, as mentioned in the introductory paragraph, I have a serious problem with uncertainty and anxiety. Perhaps, this is all just a test from the Lord to teach me to just have faith and trust in Him--knowing in the end all things will work together for my own good. And, if that is the case, I welcome this opportunity to learn to control my anxiety; anything I can do to better myself to make me less of a nuisance to those with whom I associate, is graciously accepted. Yet, part of me just wants to set a plan and stick to it. I want to be able to devote my life to something that I love, but that is also convenient for the other people who will become integral parts of my life. I see that this post really hasn't gone anywhere beneficial to an audience, so if you have managed to make it this far, I commend you for following my attempts to sort through my thoughts. I guess what it all comes down to is this: I just want to be prepared and ready to be able to make the most out of my life. I want to be happy, I want to feel fulfilled as I lay on my death bed. To most people a career probably shouldn't be on the list of what makes for a fulfilling life, but to me it's more than that. I want to be able to spend every day of my life doing something that I really, and truly love. I want to be able to spend every day helping someone, in any way I can, and make a difference in the lives of those with whom I associate. I want to keep busy, but feel like I haven't worked a day in my life. And, while I suppose for now I will just have to put my trust in the Lord, I hope to soon be able to discover just what it is that I am destined to do with my life.
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