The Best Path

Riches I hold in light esteem

And Love I laugh to scorn

And lust of Fame was but a dream

That vanished quickly with the morn--

And if I pray, the only prayer

That moves my lips for me

Is-"Leave the heart that now I bear

And give me liberty."

Yes, as my swift days near their goal

'Tis all that I implore

Through life and death, a chainless soul

With courage to endure!

   Doesn't that just give you chills? Oh, I just found it simply marvelous--it's exactly how I felt, yet lacked the words to convey. The beauty of the simplistic, yet eloquent diction of Emily Bronte is to what I aspire. The tender longing to be liberated from cares, to be chainless from their burdens, and have the courage to endure, is all I feel I need at this point. I just need to strength to realize in the end all will be worth it. To be able to go through life without the constant fear that my past will ruin all that is good in the present, is a gift I yearn whole-heartedly for. Everyone has a haunting past, and things they don't want known, yet when these problems are behavioral they're harder to keep concealed. 

   I know I'm stubborn, I do not like people wasting time on me. Perhaps that's not the way they see it, but my mind has mutated its own sense of reality and I have become disconnected for so long, I don't know what is right. However, I see the errs, I know they're there, they've ruined things before. I talk too much, or not enough, depending on the matter. I'll talk quite candidly on previous events, or those which are to come. However I cannot stand to share my feelings, it scares me far too much. I realize that I would do anything for others, but don't feel deserving of it in return. My schema is misshapen, twisted--it controls my sensibility. I'm afraid of being vulnerable, and letting things slip out. The media seems to always condemn the girl that lets her emotions out and cries sometimes, at least that's how I have perceived. I've built my entire life around being that girl that doesn't cry, or get emotional, thinking that would win me the hearts of the entire male-population. It has done nothing except ruin relationships, and cause contention. I'm just too afraid of being hurt, mocked or teased. Growing up, there never really was a guy around and so I learned to be my own (in a sense). I am honestly completely frightened by the idea of breaking down that tough exterior that keeps me from being submissive. I want to let someone take care of me, but I'm far too scared to try. Because what happens when you're vulnerable and then you get left behind? (I'm going to be honest, I want to delete this entire post, because this is even so far outside my comfort zone, I'm getting slightly panicked).

   So Lord, please, provide me liberty from all that holds me back from being truly free. From the stubbornness and closed off barrior that has plagued me for so long. Give me strength to endure the road that lies ahead for me. Help me lift these chains right off, and fully come to Thee.