Recovery: The Journey

   Sometimes, I wish that the road to recovery wasn't even a road at all, but a destination reached without any travel--no pit falls or bumps. Unfortunately, that is not the way that reality works, and as much as I hate it, "relapses" are eminent and unavoidable. Somehow, those sinking feelings of worthlessness find their way back inside, even after you swore you built the gates tall enough. And, as much as you hate it, the pills sitting beside your bed or the limitless possibilities to end it all become tantalizing. Maybe you'll just use the knife one more time, or just take one last trip to the bathroom to regurgitate the pain.

   What's worse is that it happens on days when you least expect it--the days where you feel like nothing could go wrong. Yet, it comes crashing through, destroying any and everything in its path. One slightly negative thought leads to another, and then another, and soon you're back in that place you were two years ago; the place where you felt like you belonged because there, you weren't respected or treated kindly. The verbal degradation, accompanied by the occasional physical pains and restraints remind you of how worthless you really are. The tears come and go. Sometimes you're in the pits of despair, and then, once you realize what you're doing, anger comes barreling in. How could I let myself get this way again? Why haven't I learned? Why do I keep doing this to myself...? And the tears start again. Its a constant cycle that is nearly impossible to break free of if you allow yourself to dwell there for long.

   But that's the beauty of the road I travel: it leads to recovery. Pit falls are inevitable, but they're not as daunting as they seem. It is possible to overcome them. Being able to get out after an hour is a huge accomplishment for me, especially since the last one haunted me for months. 

How did I do it?

   I stopped dwelling on myself. That's where this all stems from anyways: self pity. Realizing that what I was doing and thinking, if anyone knew, would hurt them far more than I was hurting. I thought about the people I loved and realized that I couldn't burden them with my chains, they have their own to worry about. There are serious problems that need to be discussed with those with whom you love, communication is key to healthy relationships between friends and family. However, self deprecation isn't one of those things. It never leads anywhere good, or healthy--it only widens the gaps between you. While I would've given anything for a good hug, I'm glad that I had that hour of uninterrupted solitude, for I know I would've done something I would've seriously regretted--or perhaps I'm grateful for it because of my fierce independence. Either way, as much as it hurts to go back to those spots of hellish torment, I'm grateful for them. Snapping out of it made me appreciate where I am in life, and the people who have chosen to stay around. I'm truly blessed. There's no other way to put it. God has been so wonderful to me throughout the years, and I am so grateful to know that He has been helping me overcome the trails which have been plaguing me for so long. I feel like I bare this same testimony at the end of each post, but, I do it because I just want to emphasize the point that He can help you too. As a matter of fact, He probably already is, all you have to do is open your eyes and look.