Clearing My Mind: Coming to a Realization
Writing that post earlier today, and then driving around for nearly an hour helped me come to a horrific realization as to why I act the way that I do: I'm afraid of being vulnerable. While, I've always known it, I have realized that it goes even further--I'm afraid of opening up. I'm afraid of needing someone to take care of me. That's why I push away those I love when things get tough for me. While I can logically find all of these reasons why I should push them away for their own sake, the underlying little demon causing me to severe relationships is that I'm afraid of needing comfort. In my mind, I believe that I can push away everyone so that when crying on someone's shoulder is all I need to fix me, it wont be there and I'll have to find out how to overcome it on my own.
Of course, the doing it on my own part is much more strenuous, and requires vast amounts of time--but I do it on my own. I can still view myself as the tough, independent woman I've always thought I was. As it turns out, it was just there to mask my weakness. I am weak. I'm scared of finding support in someone who will just inevitably leave me. We discussed this topic thoroughly in my days of therapy. My dad walked out on me, every one of my close friends left me, the person to have always been around, physically, has just been me. So, in an attempt to make friends and seem "cool", I iced out the world. No one could know that I cared. Well, my first 'relationship' rolled around, and I let the walls come down. I talked about my problems, and vented when necessary (I still was stubborn when it came to help physically, but that was because I refused to accept that my life would be permanently changed and affected by injury). Well, needless to say, that relationship seems to have put me off to the idea entirely. I'm scared to go through that again. I'm scared of everything I saw my mom suffer through as my dad left, happening to me. Could learning to admit I need a hug, or just talk to someone and let myself cry, be the answer I need to overcoming this all? Potentially yes, and I realize that I am choosing to make my life more miserable than necessary, by pushing people out. But I'm just scared. Petrified. Terrified. Frightened beyond belief. I have a reputation to uphold, I can't start to show feelings now, can I?
I project an entirely different person than I really am to the world, and so I guess I'm scared for someone to look underneath what they thought I was and realize they don't really like what's inside. Like those nasty Valentines chocolates. It looks delicious and amazing, and then one bite and you're wishing you would've inhaled toxic waste instead. And, while this post may not seem like it, it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to write on here. Because now, I'm vulnerable. The box of chocolates has been opened, the bite has been taken. All that's left is waiting for your brain to process the impulses to let you know if there's any pleasure to be found in the taste.
Of course, the doing it on my own part is much more strenuous, and requires vast amounts of time--but I do it on my own. I can still view myself as the tough, independent woman I've always thought I was. As it turns out, it was just there to mask my weakness. I am weak. I'm scared of finding support in someone who will just inevitably leave me. We discussed this topic thoroughly in my days of therapy. My dad walked out on me, every one of my close friends left me, the person to have always been around, physically, has just been me. So, in an attempt to make friends and seem "cool", I iced out the world. No one could know that I cared. Well, my first 'relationship' rolled around, and I let the walls come down. I talked about my problems, and vented when necessary (I still was stubborn when it came to help physically, but that was because I refused to accept that my life would be permanently changed and affected by injury). Well, needless to say, that relationship seems to have put me off to the idea entirely. I'm scared to go through that again. I'm scared of everything I saw my mom suffer through as my dad left, happening to me. Could learning to admit I need a hug, or just talk to someone and let myself cry, be the answer I need to overcoming this all? Potentially yes, and I realize that I am choosing to make my life more miserable than necessary, by pushing people out. But I'm just scared. Petrified. Terrified. Frightened beyond belief. I have a reputation to uphold, I can't start to show feelings now, can I?
I project an entirely different person than I really am to the world, and so I guess I'm scared for someone to look underneath what they thought I was and realize they don't really like what's inside. Like those nasty Valentines chocolates. It looks delicious and amazing, and then one bite and you're wishing you would've inhaled toxic waste instead. And, while this post may not seem like it, it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to write on here. Because now, I'm vulnerable. The box of chocolates has been opened, the bite has been taken. All that's left is waiting for your brain to process the impulses to let you know if there's any pleasure to be found in the taste.
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