Live, Learn and Move On

   Those who are close to me already know that I have undergone my fair share of teenaged angst these past few months. I began to question the beliefs I had been taught all of my life, and I wanted to find my own sense of freedom. Anything I could do to make me happy. This social experiment held mixed reviews from others along the way. But I am here to share my findings.

The Church of Jesus Christ is true. 

    Everything that they claim will bring happiness, truly does. I didn't think about it being such a big deal to do the little "sins" here and there that I was doing, and I still don't feel like anyone has the right to judge someone for their actions, but I have found that when I do what I can to repent and live in accordance with the teachings of the Savior and His prophets, I have indescribable feelings of peace and calm. It's cliche, but I realized that while I was going off and exploring my freedom, I was missing something. I felt happy, but empty. I realize now how great it is to feel whole. 

     Part of me wishes that I hadn't gone "rogue" because the pieces are going to be hard for me to fix. I'm going to have to go back on the things that I've previously done and have to explain to why I don't do it anymore, and I know a few of my friends are going to call me a hypocrite, or just exile our friendship altogether. But, if that's the case, they weren't true friends. And, if I hadn't underwent this whole ordeal, I wouldn't have learned this all for myself. 

      That's the thing about the gospel, you can't know it's true until you learn for yourself. The Lord had, unbeknownst to me, been preparing me to learn this. I had a Sunday School lesson a few weeks ago that changed my entire perspective, and I know that the Lord did that intentionally. In this lesson, testimonies were discussed. My teacher did a fabulous job illustrating that if we want to have a testimony of anything, we have to live them and pray about them. He gave us a four step "program", if you will, on how to gain a testimony (which was originally given by President Uchtdorf):

1. You have to desire to believe. No one can make you search and gain a testimony. You have to want it. You have to make the decision yourself as to whether or not you truly care, and truly want to know if the things you have been taught are true.
2. You have to search the scriptures. If you want to gain a testimony on the importance of following the commandments, you have to research it in the scriptures. It's the same with any topic. And, in general, if you want to know whether or not daily scripture study is important, you have to actually search the scriptures and study them every day. It's like writing a research paper, you have to gain background information in order to do anything else.
3. You have to keep the commandments. You have to be worthy to receive the revelation of a testimony. So, if you want to a testimony of the importance of loving others, you have to love them. You have to actually live what you want to know about. The Lord requires effort on our part before He will bless us with the knowledge of whether or not something is true.
4. You must ponder, fast, and pray. Think things through. Does it makes sense? And then you pray and fast about it. If it's true, you will know. The Lord can answer our prayers in a variety of ways. If it isn't true, you will also know. You will feel a bad feeling or just a "stupor of thought" (as I have experienced a few times).  

    One of the things that Brother Blum said that touched me the most was this: if you want to know if the gospel is true, then you have to go to the Lord. You can't go to the internet, or friends. You have to go directly to the source. I wasn't doing that with my experimentation. I should've gone to the Lord and asked "is living the commandments really what I should be doing?" Instead I went to things I had been warned against, those who had fallen away and did all in his power to convince me of the falsehood of the gospel, or those who had never even known the gospel, in order to find out if it was true. That was my mistake.

    However, no matter how it happened, I'm grateful to have found the knowledge that the Church I was raised in, is the right one. I'm also grateful to know that my Savior loves me more than I could ever imagine. His comforting hand was in my life, even when I wasn't spiritually strong enough to see it at the time. He never abandoned me, not once. He will never abandon you either. If you are suffering pain and misery and feel like there is no end, pray. Pray until you can't say anything more. And then pray more than that. Don't get off your knees until you know that you're loved. I can testify that you will know that you are loved and important. I know you will. I also know that if you are struggling with your own testimony, the moment you decide you really and truly want to know that it is true, then you will be able to gain a testimony. The Lord doesn't leave us out to dry. But, I want to end by sealing my testimony to all of the things that I have said. I have a testimony of this process. I have a testimony that the Lord will forgive me for the many mistakes that I have made. I have a testimony on how to get a testimony. I have a testimony that the Lord is at work every day in our lives. And I have a testimony that we are all loved. I know all of this things to be true, and I know that if you ever decide that you want to know as well, that you most certainly and undoubtedly can! :)