I Needed A Little Humbling

I need to humble myself and admit that I was wrong. This weekend has shown me some of my errors as I realized how important the gospel is in one's life. I have been overcome--today especially--with that very knowledge. And to be more specific: just how important the Lord and Savior is in each of our lives.

As I have mentioned countless times I struggle with the heartbreaking vision of my own "inadequacy". I struggle with the fight to realize that I am worth anything more than a pile of poop one might find in the local dog park. As I have also stated, I've been getting better with seeing my potential, but today I realized how limited it would be without my Father in Heaven's help and my Savior's comfort and guidance. 

I don't intend to boast of myself with this post, but I must find a way to communicate my feelings and keep them down somewhere for me, since I hate writing by hand. But, some experiences today have impacted me so much that I simply cannot ignore the need to solidify them in text. 

The first thing to touch my life today in which I feel like I must write about is a principle that came up in both Sacrament Meeting and Young Women's: God will not always get rid of the storm, but He will calm you down and find a way out of the dangers the storm could possess. I needed to be reminded of that. I, for a long time, felt bitter towards the Lord because I was experiencing trial after trial and still was stuck in misery. I wondered just how important the gospel was if it never helped me get out of the "suffering" that was unending. As I took the time to reflect today, I realized that the Lord was helping me through the entire thing. I was the ignorant man wondering where the Lord was when I could only see one set of steps in the sands of my life. I cannot begin to explain the sadness that washed over me as I made that realization. But, joy filled my being as a burning fire as I remembered the gift my Savior gave me of forgiveness. 

This entire day has enlightened my understanding of the Savior's mercy. He planned today just for me. I feel like that is so completely and utterly true. He inspired the speakers and my leaders so that they would know exactly how to convey the messages I needed to hear.

Another blessing that came today was that I was given a future reference guide on how to live my life in the form an a talk excerpt by President Monson. It reads:

"Wherever we are in life, there are times when all of us have challenges and struggles. Although they are different for each, they are common to all.
Many of the challenges we face exist because we live in this mortal world, populated by all manner of individuals. At times we ask in desperation, 'How can  keep my sights firmly fixed on the celestial as I navigate through this telestial world?'
There will e times when you will walk a path strewn with thorns and marked by struggle. There may be times when you feel detached--even isolated--from the Giver of every good gift. You worry that you walk alone. Fear replaces faith.
When you find yourself in such circumstances, I plead with you to remember prayer. I love the words of President Ezra Taft Benson concerning prayer. He said:
'All through my life the counsel to depend on prayer has been prized above almost any other device I have...received. It has become an integral part of me--an anchor, a constant source of strength, and the basis of my knowledge of things divine...
'Though reverses come, in prayer we can find reassurance, for God will speak peace to the soujl. That peace, that spirit of serenity, is life's greatest blessing.'
The Apostle Paul admonished:
'Let you requests be made known unto God.
'And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.'
What a glorious promise! Peaces is that which we seek, that for which we yearn.
We were not placed on this earth to walk alone. What an amazing source of power, of strength, and of comfort is available to each of us. He who knows us better than we know ourselves, He who sees the larger picture and who knows the end from the beginning, has assured us that He will be there for us to provide help if we but ask. We have the promise: 'Pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.'
As our prayers ascend heavenward, let us not forget the words taught to us by the Savior. We He faced the excruciating agony of Gethsemane and the cross, He prayed to the Father, 'Not my will, but thine, be done.' Difficult as it may at times be, it is for us, as well, to trust our Heavenly Father to know best how and when and in what manner to provide the help we seek."

This talk humbled me in many ways, but I will address that more in my conclusion of this post.

The third blessing revolved around a musical fireside my ward decided to "allow" the youth to put on. My friend Abby and I decided that we would sign the song "O Divine Redeemer" since we both felt we lacked any other musical contribution. While this song is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard, and it did impact me greatly as I truly felt it was my prayer unto the Lord, I want to focus more on a comment spoken to me after the performance ended. A very well-to-do woman in my ward approached me and paid me one of the greatest compliments I have ever heard, she said, "you have the ability to command the stage. I hope you use your talent, because that is a hard thing to come by." Now, I understand this may seem like a weird compliment to you, so I will expound upon this. 

I want to be a teacher, so, it is crucial that I have the ability to command attention. I also have this unquenchable desire to speak in front of others. I love it. I'm one of those people who goes over time in Sacrament Meeting when blessed with the opportunity to speak. I also enjoy acting, and have taken multiple drama classes in my High School career. But, what made this compliment truly special is when I came home and, while in the midst of feeling the Spirit in such profound ways, decided to re-read my patriarchal blessing. While, I will not go into details of what touched me, I would like to share with you my testimony: the Lord is preparing all of us for something great. We all have talents we may not realize, but we all possess talents that will bless not only our lives, but the lives of everyone with whom we associate. We each have been molded, and are continuing to be molded, into the piece we are designed to be in the Lord's puzzle. No one can do what I do, and no one can do what you are destined to do. I know that. I hope you can learn it to.

So, now, it is my conclusion and I must humble myself. I haven't been the influence I should've been. I didn't live my testimony. And if my negative influence has reached you, I apologize. I never should've talked so negatively about the Lord's church. Now, I must clarify, I am still not going to be that uptight Mormon that I detest. I believe in agency, and do not want to become the "Mormon clone". But, I must apologize for my denying of the peace the Lord brings. I must apologize for neglecting to pray and read my scriptures. I must apologize for all the times I spoke badly about anyone or anything in which the Church was involved in. 

I have a testimony of the reality of my Savior. I have a testimony of prayer. I have a testimony of the scriptures. I have a testimony of Joseph Smith. I've never been able to deny that, and I never will. But, I did try to neglect them in hopes of pursuing a life I wanted to lead, but I have been reminded so many times, not just today, that without them my life will not end where I want it to. So, bare with me, but I am going to leave this post with bearing my testimony to all of you.

The Lord loves you, just as He loves me. He will never once, no matter what you do, or how you feel about yourself, abandon you. All we have to do is ask and He will bless us with strength and comfort in an unimaginable brilliance. I know your life is hard. I know there are people who talk negatively about you, I know there are people that hurt you and scar you, and I know there are people who make you hate the world, but I want you to remember this: they aren't perfect. Please don't let their actions alter your feelings on the Savior. He understands they aren't perfect, and He also knows just what it'll take to heal the wounds they have inflicted. I don't want to seem preachy, but I must be real. There is no other true joy in this world than through the Savior. I have had to figure it out the hard way, and I don't want you to have to suffer any more than you need to. But, I also want you to know, that there can be peace, and there will be peace, from whatever you suffer and struggle through in this life. And honestly, you may not even realize that you are suffering. I didn't. But, if you are unsure about anything, pray. Pray until you have said everything. Pray until you know that there is a Father in Heaven that loves you. Don't get off your knees until you know that. I've done it, and I can tell you that it is worth it, no matter how many hours you spend on your knees. I can also testify that we are all unique for a reason. I know I've spoken of it already in this post, but, I want YOU tot love yourself, because I can testify YOU are YOU for a reason. You truly have a certain set of skills that will change the world in a way no one else can. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. Ever.

Guys, I love you. I really do. God loves you. Your Savior loves you. They, as well as myself, always will. I will support you, no matter what, even if you completely reject everything I say. They will still love you too. You can't escape that.

O, Divine Redeemer
Words and Music by Charles Gounod

Ah, turn me not away, receive me though unworthy. Ah, turn me not away, receive me though unworthy. Hear Thou my cry, hear Thou my cry, Behold, Lord, my distress!

Answer me from Thy throne, Haste Thee, Lord, to mine aid! Thy pity show in my deep anguish, Thy pity show in my deep anguish. Let not the sword of vengeance smite me, Though righteous Thine anger, O Lord!

Shield me in danger, O regard me! On Thee, Lord, alone will I call!

O divine Redeemer, O divine Redeemer! I pray thee grant me pardon, And remember not Remember not my sins! Forgive me!

O divine Redeemer! I pray Thee, grant me pardon And remember not, remember not, O Lord, my sins!

Night gathers round my soul Fearful, I cry to Thee, Come to mine aid, O Lord! Haste Thee, Lord, haste to help me!

Hear my cry, hear my cry Save me, Lord in Thy mercy; Hear my cry, hear my cry! Come and save me, O Lord!

O divine Redeemer!  O divine Redeemer! I pray Thee, grant me pardon, and remember not Remember not, O Lord, my sins!

Save in the day of retribution From death shield Thou me, O my God! O divine Redeemer, have mercy! 

                                                         Help me Savior!