Because Sometimes, You Need To Reaffirm Things To Yourself

So, it's time I take a moment, and share something for myself. You are all welcome to read, but I need to take the time to do something for me. Life, it can be a serious struggle. Just when I feel like I've suffered enough hardships in life, something else comes up, and it gets a little degrading. While, what I'm going through now certainly isn't the worst things I've ever had to go through in life, they can be just as taxing or emotionally destructive if I allow them to be.
I'm going to open up and be honest here for a minute. I went through years of depression, anxiety, unhappiness and utter misery because I wasn't happy with the way I was. I thought people found me annoying, unlovable, and I was convinced that I was the ugliest person the world had ever created. Because of this, I got into a lot of trouble. I developed relationships that were extremely unhealthy, which made my thoughts go even further down a path of darkness. I began cutting, starving myself, and wishing I had access to the drugs people would always talk about that would take the pain away, even if it was just a momentary high. Now, I know that my life isn't worse than anyone else's, every one goes through trials. I understand that everything is different, but to each person they are just as hard. My sympathy and support goes out to you. I want you to know, as cheesy as it sounds: it does get better.
However, the "getting better" part isn't easy. I went to therapy for what felt like an eternity. I hated going, I would tell the therapist what he wanted to hear, and then I'd go home and cry. Shocker. I cried. I still cry. Not often, because I'm pretty sure I lack that female cry hormone, but, occasionally, it happens. For a while, I felt like therapy was only making me realize how terrible of a person I really was, and not helping me progress at all. What a surprise, right? I would go to therapy, pretend I was getting better, and then hating the results. It wasn't until one night, when I just couldn't take the pain anymore, that I decided that I wouldn't allow my life to be the never-ending pit of hellish torture that it had become. So, I made a change. I made an actual effort in therapy. I opened up. And I was finished in just a matter of weeks. But, that didn't mean I was completely cured.  I still had serious struggles with my self-worth. I felt like I needed more time in therapy, but my therapist had other ideas. He sent me out, to venture on my own, and I am eternally grateful for that decision. There was about a two week period after I finished therapy where I was in one of my lowest depression pits I had been in. Because of it, I pushed out one of the greatest people to have been in my life. I regret that immensely, but this experienced helped me to learn. Which is why we have all trials, I think. So, after those few weeks, I really made an effort to find what worth I had, and find a way to be confident with myself. And, I found it.
Senior year came, and I loved every second of it. I made stronger connections with some of the greatest people I have ever met in my life. The friends I have made (specifically Noel, but also Taylor, Madison, Kyle, Alicia, Said, and the friends from my classes like Jonah, Tess, Joseph, Hoon, Kate and KC) have impacted my life in ways I couldn't ever express. And, on top of that, I actually decided to talk in class, and people began to get to know me. And I loved that. I'd go out every weekend and have an amazing time with Noel, and whomever else we could manage to drag into the car with us, and I would end the weekend feeling like I finally belonged. But, my struggling isn't finished.
I still get depressed, and question my self-worth. The difference is, I am able to brush it off, either through poetry, music, or random venting to either an unsuspecting friend or a computer screen such as this. But, the question is now, why am I writing this? Well, I'm going to let you in to my embarrassing secret. Words still get to me. For example, I've gone to my High School's past two state play-off football games, and screamed loud, cheered loud, and did whatever I could to let the football players feel the love from the student section (because, if I'm going to be honest, Timpview's student section is rather pathetic. I love my student body, but, they don't get very enthusiastic. I, being an athlete, understand that having an exciting crowd does, in fact, help boost morale. So, I'm EXTREMELY loud in order to try to compensate). Well, people have gotten annoyed, and told me so. I, externally, just blew it off. Internally, however, all of the negative thoughts I had came flowing back. But here's how I'm going to overcome them:

I understand that I am, at times, a little annoying, because I am sometimes

"too" enthusiastic. I get that. I understand that. But, I do it because I have 

a newly found confidence in my self. I do think that I could be more considerate 

to the people around me, and maybe not scream *quite* as loudly. 

The good news to me is, I am leaving high school in just a matter of months. These people that I spent forever trying to please will be nothing but a memory. To them, I probably will not even be remembered. I'm not the most attractive girl at Timpview, or the nicest. I don't have the grace, poise and whatever else guys look for. But, this I do know: I am fun. When you're with me, you have fun. A lot of people at Timpview will never know that, but I'm okay with that. I don't need to be the popular one, I simply don't. I love knowing people, and I love saying hi to people in the hallways, but I don't need to be the girl who has twelve friends who never leave her side. I have a lot of friends, but only a few close ones. That's how I like it. I will never throw one of those parties with 200+ people in attendance, and I will never be invited to one either. I can live with that. Why? Because I realize that I am going to do something great in this world. Something no one else can do. It doesn't matter if I have a support group of a million, or just my support group of my few close friends. If you can believe, you can do whatever you put your mind to. I'm going to make a difference. I'm going to impact the world. Those people who talked bad about me in High School will realize my impact on the world one day, and maybe they'll regret the way they've treated me, or maybe not. That doesn't matter to me. I'll continue to treat them all with kindness and respect, and I'll continue to have fun. I'll continue to pursue my dreams, and work hard to accomplish the things that I WANT TO DO. 

This is what I want you guys to know, if you manage to get through my rant. You can accomplish greatness too. You don't need to be popular to be successful. People don't have to think you're the coolest person in the world, because the only person that really matters is you. If you can believe in yourself, you can do whatever it is you put your mind to. I promise you of that. Happiness comes when you can love yourself. You can't really love others until you love yourself. I didn't believe that at first, but I realized that it is so true. So, please, learn to love yourself. Don't do it for me, but do it for you. You deserve to be happy. Everyone does. And hey, even if no one else supports you, I can promise you that I do. I will. I always will. Everyone deserves to have at least one person by their side, and so, here I am. Even if I don't know you personally, I believe in you. I genuinely and honestly do. You will do something great. I know it!